I avoided sensual bachata for as long as I could. After a decade of spending time in Brazil, where salsa and bachata were non-existent, I was itching to get back to Latin dancing in Miami, but everywhere I went, there were the head swirls, the overly sensual body rolls, and what looked like intercourse on the dance floor. After much resistance and a few uncomfortable situations of thinking I could wing it, I decided to take a few classes just so I would know what to expect.
After some group classes with one of Miami’s best teachers, I decided to take a few private classes with him to beat the curve.
When I walked into Edelmiro’s studio, I expected a dance class. When I came out of there, I had received one of the most profound therapies I’ve had in my life.
While I am great at dramatic salsa turns and extravagant dance moves, when it came to slowing down, being gentle with my moves, and relaxing down, I was struggling. Every other word from my teacher was: relax your shoulders, chest out, don’t look down, smaller moves, gentle touch, breathe. When I felt like giving up, he turned on the music, looked me in the eye with reassurance, pulled me into a strong dance embrace, slowing me down even further. With nowhere to go, not able to look down, no fancy turns to make, I was forced to stay present, sensual, and fully relaxed.
There I was, a grown-up woman, who’s had a strong wield of her looks and sensuality, known well her power to attract men and women, realizing the big façade I had created. The pretty looks, the dance moves, the coy look down — there was always a performance act between me and them. Until now. In the arms of this stranger, I felt my whole body relax down into its full feminine being . My sensuality didn’t have to impress anyone nor had to have a directionality. It was mine to own and fully enjoy. I took a deep breath and allowed my body to flow like water…without resistance, in sync with his and the music.
When I left the class, I sat in my car in trance for a long time before turning on the engine. I had a strange sensation in my chest. As I drove, tears starting streaming down my eyes. The self-confidence I have judged as genuine, was an armor of protection that I carried for too long, relying on the external approval to hold up. Attached to the persona I created to protect the vulnerable one inside, I buried the sensual loving being inside , struggling to be fully relaxed, to let go, and ease into being..
Somehow, years of therapy and inner work culminated in this dance. Edelmiro’s dance embrace — the mix between safety and sensuality — held me strongly as I was given the permission to spread my chest open, look into the eyes of another human being, breathe deeply, and be the sensual woman I can be.. without the need for it to mean anything.
As women, we learn early on that our looks, sensuality, flirtation are commodities; that they need to be toned down, used to accomplish something, and only used in very specific situations.
But what if our sensuality was the attribute of who we are at the very core of our being, and if suppressing it diminished our authenticity and power?
Years of shielding were melting away with my tears, releasing the accumulated self-consciousness from my body, my cellular memory. The lightness I felt was of having dropped a heavy weight I had been carrying for years. The wisdom I had always known with my rational mind, was felt within each one of my cells: my sensuality was mine to own as a birthright to being a woman.